So close, and yet so far.
So close, and yet so far.
Guest Correspondence from Ms. Dorothea Lange
~Research regarding October 20th~
Douchebag #1 and Intoxicated #1 were the same individual. The subject appeared to be so high on methamphetamines that he could not speak in any really comprehensible manner.
There were also a few subjects who didn’t fall into any particular category but were worth mentioning. There is one who I like to call “The Whistler”. This individual whistles the same few notes in no particular tune, which drives me up the wall. Not that it is a terrible habit to have, but it is exceptionally obnoxious in close quarters, and his dedication and repetition to this aimless tune is almost impressive. The harm I imagine inflicting upon this individual until he stops his most annoying whistling is a source of great personal entertainment. This individual is also prone to multiple transactions in a single visit, which is also fairly obnoxious, especially because it is accompanied by his insistent whistling.
There is also “The Karate Kid”, who is also Paid in Change #1, #2, and #3. The Karate Kid always pays in change and appears to be incapable of counting it himself. He is never accompanied by a parent, always needs to be babysat, and is rarely in the research facility for less than 15 minutes. To clarify my definition of “babysat”; he seems to have very limited social skills, poor decision making skills and needs assistance with the simplest of tasks. He asks the price of every item even when there is a clearly marked sticker on it, and will often ask repeatedly on the same item. He also seems to need assistance with picking his items out in the first place. I am not certain if he is mentally handicapped or if his parents simply refuse to expend the effort to teach him simple math and social skills. Either way he requires far too much of my energy, and as mean as that may sound, I value speaking the truth in my life as well as in my research.
Total Rate of Damnation – 11 out of 207 total subjects or 5.31%
~Ms. Dorothea Lange
~concerning research from Wednesday, October 19th, Thursday, Monday, October 24th, Tuesday, November 1st, and Wednesday, November 2nd~
As one might discern from the title of this correspondence, my previous four nights of recorded observations were decidedly less than spectacular. This, combined with yet another misplacement of my notes, has led me to decide that these nights’ data ought to be presented all at once. Of course, this decision also stems from the fact that I have been more than a little lax in my correspondence duties of late, and presenting these data this way shall help to both alleviate my stress and expedite the arrival of new observations! Please understand that moving forward, I shall return to the normal format of presentation. That having been said, besides the empirical data from these four evenings, I can recall only one particularly offensive case of Damnation:
Tuesday, November 1st – Paid w/ Change #2 entered the establishment around 5:30 am. Normally around this time each day, my powers of observation grow weak, as in most cases I have been utilizing them for nigh eight hours by the time 5am arrives. On this day, a heavyset working-class man entered my establishment and approached the counter. He dropped onto the counter $50.00 in pre-rolled quarters, and asked if could accept this as payment for gas. I explained that money is money and that his gas was ready to pump. However, with the assistance of one of my immediate superiors, I discovered that this man had placed nickels in between every other quarter in his rolls. Now, paying for gas with change is low, but stealing gas with change? This is a new level of Damnation that I have not yet encountered, and I am truly saddened by it. With the American middle class crying ever more loudly to be heard by the country’s elite, this man sets the movement back by giving the appearance that the middle class really just wants “something for nothing.” It was at this point that I decided to also label this creature Douchebag #11
With this being the only truly, deeply offensive Damnation that I came across in these four days, that is not to say that there were no Damned to speak of at all. As proof, I offer the empirical data from these four evenings in the form of Figures 10.19 – 11.2 :
::Wed. Oct. 19th Total Rate of Damnation – 28.4%
Most respectfully yours,
Mister Jameson Billingsworth